Mar. 11, 2003 - Help Wanted?

I hate the way that Heidi pressures me. I know that she means well, and she does it because she has been in my shoes, but I don't know how to explain to her that I don't really want to leave.

I know that I could find a better job as far as money goes, and I know I could find a job where I don't have to deal with the boss' family drama.� But I know that leaving this job just means new stresses and another list of complications that I won't want to deal with.�

I do have it easy at times where I am. And at times it is the worst place in the world to be.� I just know in my heart that I can't leave. I don't know why because I have walked out of plenty of jobs in the past. Even when I didn't have anything to fall back on. I don't know what is holding me back.�

Is it because I have recognized that I have a responsibility to myself to maintain my bills and that sometimes one has to swallow her pride and push the bullshit aside, or is it out of old-fashioned fear?�

I have gotten so used to working by myself. I don't know if I could deal with office politics again. My weight has become an issue with my self-confidence. I used to walk with confidence and own my sexuality, but now I don't want to do anything to stand out in a crowd, I just want to remain faceless.� This is not good when someone needs to find a job.

I lay awake at night wondering if staying here is the best thing in the world for me, but I am so afraid to loose the stability that I finally have. For the last 8 years I have been searching for stability. Finally I feel at peace with my soul. I can't explain it but for years I was unable to read a book or to concentrate on anything; I always felt uneasy, looking for comfort in something, anything. Now I have that comfort. I have that place where everything feels right; even on the bad days.� I can read a book and not have my mind wonder every other word; I can sit down in a quite room and not hear the thoughts in my head screaming at each other. I don't know if I want to shake that stability and risk it for the unkown.

I love my job, but not the company that I work for. But I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason and there is a reason that I am here.

I hope that I can find the strength in me to do what is best...