Mar. 11, 2003 - Tuesday's thoughts

So Katie is gone. Poof! Just like that. Nothing but an empty shell of a room. Poor kid. I hope she doesn't look back on all of this one day and feel sorry for herself. It never works, mostly you sound pathetic and annoying. I should know, I used to hear people blame everything on the way they were brought up. I would roll my eyes and keep my mouth shut.

Honestly, I did not have an easy childhood. I was sexually assaulted by my friends brother when I was 11, I was abused by my step mother from ages 6-14, then just other shit that went on in those years of stolen youth...but I will never and have never blamed any of my "problems" on that. It sucked, but why would I boo-hoo about it? It made me strong, it made me who I am and I also know that it could have been worse. It wasn't always bad and I did always have everything that I want and I did laugh a ton when I was a child...so I guess it evens out. I tried to explain this to Katie; I hope some of it sunk in. I will send her a letter later.

On the radio right now is "Imagine" by John Lennon. This song makes me cry for so many reasons. Mostly it reminds me of Pepe and his funeral. It was almost like it was his mantra.�

Things have been moving so fast over in my little corner of the world. All of a sudden I feel like a bona fide grown up. I can't explain it. I used to be the party girl. No cares in the world, but now we are trying to buy a house and I am worried about what the neighborhood is like and the school districts and if we would have children and send them to public or private schools. What the fuck? Is this really me? Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure. Ha. It seems like yesterday I was at graduation hugging my two best friends and crying because of the uncertainty that was on the road ahead...yea some days I miss being that little party girl, some days I embrace the grown up me.

This weekend is the big one. Bigger than Christmas, bigger than my birthday (and we all know how much I LOVE BIRTHDAYS!!) it is St. Patrick's Day!!!!! Festivities kick off at 5 pm on Friday and don't stop until Monday at midnight. The big parade is on Saturday and the boy is marching in it again this year. This parade is the best around; it is a privilege to march in it; especially if you are a fire fighter. We are getting a hotel for the weekend! I am already preparing for the parties; I can drink 3 drinks before I feel buzzed. I have to keep a steady even pace. NO DRUNKS. Drunken people are bad on weekends like this...messy too. Yuck.

I am looking forward to the parties and the bands in the bars around Newport, but I will have the "fire" in the back of my mind and I don't know if I will stay too long in a crowded room. My uncle is one of the state's fire marshals and I know that they are cracking down on the number of people in any one location; no more ass� to elbows... The Station fire is on everyone's mind and I know it is still on mine.�

Boy I am rambling about nothing again... I might write later.