Apr. 09, 2003 - friends?

(this is the fourth entry today)

One thing that has been eating at me lately is friendships. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like I don't have any friends, I mean true real friends. One thing that I am big on, actually HUGE to me is loyalty, and I have never felt that from anyone. I have tons of people that I can call or invite to a party, but I don't have that one person, that girl that I can sit and drink coffee with or just sit on the couch and talk to. I have my sister, but she is younger than I am; at times it shows. I also can't count on her to be my sister, my friend and my be-all. I love her dearly, but I need something else.

I have friends, and I do have close friends, but I don't feel that I have that connection with anyone. Whenever I have had that "connection" or feeling, it was never reciprocated, or it was but not in the same manner or possibly what I expected. I feel that I am just a piece of background furniture in a room, not a focal point or that beloved piece that you won't ever throw away. I guess I am totally dispensable.

I am hurt about a ton of events lately. I have tried to explain it, I have tried to talk about it, I have tried to ignore it and I can't. I always thought that when I got older I could pick my friends and choose to have them as my family and make my own happiness and have a family of my own with faces and souls that meant the world to me and I am totally disappointed even that hasn't worked out.

I know that last night was the last straw and I don�t know how to feel anymore about any of them. Different people that I care deeply for and yet I don�t think they feel the same. I understand that we aren�t in high school anymore and we have our own lives, but why can�t we share our lives together like we had always planned or talked about? Why is it that I am the one always asking for the plans to be made? Is this only important to me? Is having a friendship only a part time deal?

I try to explain to the boy, but he is a boy and doesn�t get it. He thinks that all I need is him and my family and to an extent he is right, but seriously there are days when I don�t want him or my family, I need that �other� filler and I don�t know where it is or where it went if I ever did have it.

I hurt inside and it is killing me.