Apr. 16, 2003 - Bitchy mood today

I have the worst cramps in the world today and I want to die. I am so fucking sick and tired of getting my period and feeling like shit.

I know that I have a disease that causes this, but still. What the fuck. Since I was 13 years old I have had to suffer from this. I wish I was one of those girly girls who can't handle pain and it was a tiny little cramp or something, but it isn't. I feel like someone is twisting my uterus with a knife and then ripping it out. I actually have a very high tolerance to pain, so I can only imagine what this would feel like if I didn't.

I can't complain to anyone any more because they don't understand. My ex-boyfriends thought I was crazy. Even my parents thought I was making it up in high school just to miss some school. The boy just looks at me with those eyes and he rubs my back and gets me the heating pad. He knows to just stay away.

I want to curl up in a fetal position and just stay that way for the next 24 hours. Last night I went for my walk anyway, thinking that it would make me feel better...well that didn't happen. I came home and flopped on the bed and cried. I cried to myself because the boy was working the overnight shift. I hate when I cry like that, I feel like I am having myself my very own pity party, but I honestly don't know what else to do.

I have talked to Dr. Cassen about this. She said that it would be this way until I have children on and off and then I will start heading into menopause. Whoopty fucking doo. I go from being miserable because I have my period into being miserable because my body stops having periods?? This isn't a win/win situation for me.

It isn't bad every month like it used to be. Being on the pill does make a difference, but some months it is just as bad as not being on the pill. Cassen said that I need to loose weight and maybe that will help. I looked at her and said, "I have been on the pill since I was 18 years old, I weighted 125 lbs and it was the worst time in my life. Do you honestly think loosing weight will make the pain go away?" She didn't know what to say. I know I need to loose the weight, just don't tell me it will help with the cramps and the discomfort of the endometriosis.

As if you can't tell. I am very bitchy and moody today. I am trying to put on a happy face. I am trying to pretend that I don't feel like I am dying inside, I am trying to go about today as if it were a normal day, but it is getting harder and harder with every passing minute. Oh, and I have only been at work for 10 minutes. ugh.

I will try to walk tonight. Maybe not the 3 miles that I walked last night, but something. I don't know.