Jun. 04, 2003 - Not a sewing goddess

I am not the sewing goddess that I really want to be. It is very scary to go into the fabric store with out a game plan, or the real sewing knowledge to have even faked it. I was so overwhelmed with fabric choices that I didn�t get anything. I wanted to go with Linen. But the linen choices I had were blah. I wanted to go with navy blue at first, but then I was all like, �hmm�will she like the navy blue?� So I left with nothing.

I do this to myself all the time. I stress myself out over nothing. When it comes to buying presents for people or making them something I automatically assume that unless they have specifically asked for it, they are not going to like it. I literally make myself sick. I puke my brains out at Christmas when I go shopping for the boy. One year I sat on the floor and cried, when he came home he asked me why I was crying; I had to show him his presents so I knew that he liked them enough so I could wrap them. This is one of the many reasons people that I am in therapy.

So�I think that I am going to call Pam (Ed�s mom) to see if she can help me, or at least let her pick out the material. She is good with shit like that and she loves it when people ask for her help.

I went last night and got my nails done. See, (holding my hands out for you to see) aren�t they pretty? I will only get a French manicure. I don�t look good in colors, so I always get the French, but with a twist. This time I went with traditional. Birthday gal must have pretty birthday hands. I will do a ton of hand shaking on Saturday and I don�t want to look like a butch. Ha.

The whole has been dug in the back yard for the patio! Well, not the whole thing, but a good start was made. I would like to get out there today, but nooo�. it is raining out, AGAIN. Bah.

Missy called last night. She left a message apologizing for her lude, drunken behavior on Sunday night. I was surprised to hear the apology, but it really made me have more respect for her. I know too many other people who have acted the way she had on Sunday and not once did they apologize for their actions. But she did. I called her back. Funny thing, her story is TOTALLY different than Stefan�s story. I have to say; I believe HER, and not him. I know that my loyalty is with him, but I have heard a few lies from him so far and something about her tone and the way she tells the story (she isn�t smart enough to make this shit up either) makes me believe her. I just talked to her a bit, I told her that maybe if he does things like she described, that Stefan just isn�t the boy for her. I like Missy too�I told her to call me if she ever wanted to go out. You would think that I would learn my lesson. (This girl isn�t like the other one)

My first birthday card arrived in the mail yesterday. My dad sent it. It was nice. He wrote a letter to me too. Basically it says that when he is alone he sits and thinks about our life/ my life and that he knows deep down in his heart that he didn�t do anything wrong and he is happy with the decisions that he has made and doesn�t regret anything. He said that he knows that he doesn�t show me the kind of love and attention that I want and that I need, but being his first-born he loves me more than life itself. He goes on about all the difficult times that he and I have had in the past 27 years and he is so proud to be my father and that every day he thanks god for me, because with out me, he thinks that he never would have made it this far. (sniff sniff)

WOW. What�does...one�say?

Families are funny sometimes. Aye?