Jun. 16, 2003 - Hawaiian Shirt Party

Things I learned at the Ugly Hawaiian Shirt Party.

1. Brazilian Tequila turns my boyfriend into a comedic genius (or at least he thought)

2. That there are some UGLY shirts out there, and not everyone buys them for an ugly shirt party either!

3. Having Newton the pig at your party is sure a sure way to get your guests talking to each other

4. Not everyone knows what a Butt plug is

5. Scary Do Nothing neighbor is VERY SCARY and WILL INVITE HERSELF to your party

6. The verdict is in�my friends and family concur with me that Do Nothing is in fact a man.

We had a great day on Saturday, we really lucked out. I was so nervous on Saturday morning. After all the disasters on Friday night, I was just hoping that everything was going to be smooth sailing. (Friday night I had a concussion, I got dirt in my eye which scratched the corner of the eyeball, and Kevin spilled the 10 lbs of Chicken Wings that I was cooking; all over the inside of the oven and kitchen floor)

I had breakfast with Dad at 8:30 Saturday morning. We enjoyed our selves; I am really looking forward to these bi-weekly meetings. His tattoo looks great. I actually like it; he has it going across the top of his back from one shoulder to the other. I can�t wait to see it finished. We talked about all kinds of stuff, but mostly about how his stepchildren are losers. I actually was surprised by a few of the things he was saying. I mean, yea I feel this way too, but I certainly have never verbalized it to him and here he is telling me he feels the same way. I feel a little bit better knowing that he sees some of the bullshit that I see.

The party didn�t kick off until 3ish, but most of the people showed up around 6ish. My boyfriend didn�t listen to me when I told him to �slow� down. He was a tad bit tipsy around 7; he tried to use the grill to cook the food. Um, yea he sliced his finger open. This isn�t good; he is already down one finger as it is so we took him off grill duties. Around the time this was happening, Paul went to his house to get Newton. Newton is Paul�s 220 lb Pot Belly Pig. This was definitely one of the highlights that people will talk about for years! Kiki (the dog) was going nuts barking at Newton, but he didn�t care, he smelled food and he was walking right over to the food table. We got pictures of Ducky riding Newton, and Newton trying to eat ducky.

Todd, my neighbor across the street brought over a bottle of Brazilian Tequila. So I decided I wanted to do a shot. Well Kevin wanted to do a shot too, and then he did a shot with the boys. To sum this up for you, Kevin was fucked up. He had a big straw beachcomber hat on and he walked into the Tiki Torch and it caught on fire. We had to fight with him to stay away from the Tiki Torches, but he wouldn�t listen so Christina got up and put it out. Kevin was so upset that someone blew it out on him that he grabbed it and sang into it like a microphone and the only thing he kept singing was, ��this is the end,my friends� This was only the beginning of Kevin the Entertainer (that is his new nickname, that and Drunk Boy) he then got this weird notion that he was going to do some stand up for us. So again, he used the Tiki torch as his microphone and walks over to us at the table and starts a joke. � So, who uses Tiki Juice as lube?� (at this point we are hysterically laughing at him) so we go, �I don�t know, who?� he looks at us and says, � oh, I don�t know. It wasn�t a joke it was a real question. Who would use tiki juice as lube? I tell you, that is one sick individual.�

Oh my god. Talk about peeing your pants. I know this isn�t funny to you, but you had to see this whole thing play out. Just as this is all happening, I noticed that Scary Do Nothing has come out of her cave�Kevin then starts to tell some very LUDE lesbian jokes� I had to interrupt Kevin the Entertainer and pull the �microphone� away from him� He had to take a time out and sit down by the fire. At 10 he said to me that he needed to go to bed. OH BOY this isn�t good. But I managed to get him into bed. 10:30 we all heard the tequila making its way back out of Kevin�s stomach. I was freaking, I thought for sure I was going to find it all over the house, but he actually managed to get it in the garbage can. I even got a drunken apology from him saying that he loved me and I didn�t deserve to clean up puke at my own party. Awww�.

So I put Kevin the Entertainer to bed and went back outside to join the festivities. Do nothing was steering at us, and I felt guilty. So I offered her a drink, the next thing you know, she is making her own margaritas, and having shots with us. She can�t hang, she did ONE chocolate cake shot and it nearly killed her. She looked at me and said, �Oh you drink those? And I thought I had a drinking problem� WHAT THE FUCK? She was standing next to Jess, Ellen and I while we were doing our shots and we cheered to Jess and Ed and congratulations, Do Nothing said, �what, did you just get married?� so Jess nods her head and Do nothing says, �what the fuck would you do something stupid like that for?� Jess spit her shot out threw her nose and walked away. I was pissed, but I just walked away too. Then Do Nothing is going around telling everyone that she is putting in a hot tub and a gas fireplace and that she has enough money to buy this house from Anne and she is going to place an offer blah blah blah. I just walked away. I fucking can�t stand her.

But one by one she would walk up to people and start talking to them and they would find some way to get out of the conversation and walk over to me to tell me that she is a weirdo and yes that was a man. The funniest thing was when Do Nothing went to walk back into her house and she slammed herself into the door jam and fell on her ass! She got up and hit the door again! Ed was crying� She went in her house and she passed on her bed. You know how I know this? I will tell you. She had left her front door wide open, and from the door you can see right into her room and she was flopped down face first with the tv on. Except the TV was so loud�.it was so loud that we knew that it was Fast and the Furious that was on and could even hear the words clear as a bell. At this point it was after midnight.

Then we took out the good stuff and we smoked a bit, I had smoked a few different times through out the day, but it was midnight and I was ready to get my party thang on. I poured myself another Margarita and got out my cigar, got high and sat until 2 am when everyone finally left.

Good stuff. We had some good laughs and some great pictures. Until next year!