Jun. 20, 2003 - Siamese Dream

Driving into work this morning, the Smashing Pumpkins were on the radio. I felt this strange calm come over me while I was racing down 95. I started to think back and remember a girl who was so young and na�ve sitting on the school bus just waiting for that last day of high school, waiting to be set free into the great unknown. This morning I remembered Jeremy, someone I don�t often think about anymore; remembering how he used to make me tingle with just the sound of his voice or the touch of his hand on mine. I also remember the day that Brandon was hit by the car. Everyday having to drive by his home, knowing that a little boy used to live there and now his mommy and daddy are too sad to live.

As the song played, I started to feel so sad inside. Those were some of the best times of my life, before things got crazy, before I became numb. I looked at my eyes in the rear view mirror and boy have they changed. I am not that little 18 year old, fresh -faced girl wanting to live and learn everything that there is. I miss her sometimes. Sometimes, I am glad that she is gone. I feel that I have lived several lifetimes since her and with out that, I wouldn�t be who I am today.

Yesterday was such an emotional roller coaster for me. I have too many decisions to make and not enough time to fully work out the kinks and know what the best decision is for me, for us.

I left the hospital feeling overwhelmed, I don�t deal with that too well. Before I even left the parking garage I was crying. I called Kevin and started to freak. He just told me that everything will be ok, it will work. It has too. Just knowing that he wants this for me as I want it, makes all the difference in the world. The money, where will ALL this money come from? I don�t know. I do not have a clue. I will manage, I always do. I just don�t want to fail. I can�t fail. This is my life. In 8 months from now, I will be a different person, inside and out.

Also adding to the stress of things is the puppy. Yes folks, that is right, I said puppy. We don�t have her yet, our name is on a waiting list. I need to meet the parents first, I want to talk to the breeders, and then the money issue. Granted the pups are not $1500 like most breeders, but still $850 is still a good chunk of change. I just knew the moment that I saw that dog at the Trap the other night, that I needed to have an American Bulldog. I wasn�t sure until that moment, I saw and played with one in person. Ha. Like I need a 130 lb dog�

TONIGHT is the night for the new Harry Potter book. We are supposed to go to Barnes & Noble for 11:30. I don�t know if they will have enough books or not, but it is worth a shot. I refuse to duke it out with a 10 year old though�

We are also going to see Reloaded after work today. Tomorrow I have Kaile�s 4th birthday party and I have my cousin Ashly�s graduation party. Sunday is the Bridal Shower from Hell and back to work on Monday.

Happy Weekend