Sept. 11, 2003 - People are strange sometimes

Once in a while you have to wonder if it is really everyone else or if it is really you that is the problem. Last night I sat and wondered if I was indeed the problem or if it was the other two parties involved. Kevin, Morgan, Don and Sara told me with out a doubt it wasn�t me. Somehow, I don�t believe them.

I am so fucking sick and tired of bullshit people. People who you think are your friends, but when you really look hard and you think about it; you find out that they are not. But who are they? And what were they to you? I am also fed up with people who don�t answer questions or who can not be adult about handling situations.

I also hate the he said/she said game. But it does happen. So I guess it isn�t the game I hate as much as it is the bullshit responses that I get. I have been a player in the he said/she said game MANY times, but you don�t want to play with me�I WILL ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH.

Point in case: Three years ago I was sitting at a bar with Heather P., in walked Paul H. Heather groaned and rolled her eyes at me. I thought this was strange so I asked her what the deal was. She told me that she didn�t care too much for Paul because all of a sudden he became Ronny�s (Heather�s husband) �good buddy� and all they do is go to the strip club together and watch porn. So I told her that I didn�t like Paul either, told her that I didn�t care if he was Kevin�s best friend, I couldn�t stand the man when he was drinking and that the only time he comes around was when he needed money or he needed for us to cover for him so he could lie to his wife or something lame like that. We began to chit chat about this and that. Then Heather tells me that she heard from �someone� that Paul said he hated me. I didn�t think anything of this ENTIRE conversation, I went home. The end.

About 3-4 weeks later, I get this NASTY message on my answering machine from Paul. Screaming at me. So I call him back. He is still screaming at me. Wanted to know why I called him a fucking drunk and how could I go around telling people that he has a gambling problem and that all he does is lie to his wife? This that and more bullshit lies. Then BAM a light bulb goes off and I know exactly who told him this and I set him straight. I told him that yes I said I didn�t like him when he was drinking, and that I NEVER said he was cheating on his wife, but rather that you and your wife have an �open� marriage and that I find that hard to believe seeing as though you �practice� the Christian religion and that is looked down upon. And NO I did not say you had a gambling problem, but rather that you always seem to be �borrowing� large sums of money from your friends and your wife doesn�t know about it. Then I told him what Heather told me he said about me.

Through conversation and talking�we realized that the problem was in deed Heather. To make a long story short. Paul went to rehab shortly after this argument and I was right. He is an asshole when he is drunk. He constantly lied to his wife and he did have a problem with money. He was constantly borrowing money to pay off the credit cards that he took cash advances off so he could go to the bar to drink and his wife didn�t see any money from the checking account missing. Moral of the story�If you need to know something someone said, don�t get mad, ask them first then see where it goes.

I tried this last night when another case of he said/she said was brought to my attention.

My sister was telling me that we (Kevin and I) really shouldn�t be friends with Ed and Jess anymore. So I asked her what she knew. She told me that while Jamie was living with them last month, all Jess did was talk about how much she hated us and that I was too controlling with Kevin and that he has changed so much since he has been with me. She said that she just couldn�t stand by to watch this happen. (if I had the energy to explain Jess to you, you would see why I was wondering if she was looking in the mirror making a self realization).

Ok, so I start to feel my self explode inside like the Hulk, but before I let this get out of control, I will talk directly to Jess to see what she says. Back in May BEFORE their wedding, I called her up to ask her if there was something wrong, or if I had done something to her. She didn�t call me anymore, we hardly ever hung out with them anymore that that I was hurt by the fact that I was not in her wedding and that I WAS HER ONLY GIRL FRIEND�she had this tone of attitude, but I chalked it up to not knowing how to handle a real question like this�she said that no she didn�t have a problem with me, that I didn�t do anything and that she had just been busy with the wedding. I was not in the wedding because she didn�t want to inconvenience me with the cost of being in the wedding. (I am sorry; do you smell smoke? Is someone blowing smoke my way?) Ok� then the weekend of her bridal shower she calls me up because she wants to make sure that I go with her and will be there so she isn�t alone and so on� Weird.

I called the house. Ed answers the phone. I ask to speak to Jess. She gets on the phone. She has this tone�now I don�t know if she really had the tone, or if I was the only one who heard it. But I asked her if she had a minute and I said, � I want to know if this is true or not, so before I think anything I am going to ask you. Did you say that you hated me, and that I control Kevin and you can�t stand to hang out with us anymore because I am the biggest bitch?�

Ok. So I want to pause this story for a moment. I have been on the receiving end of a call like this before. I know what it is like to be put on the spot. I also know that I have made calls like this before and I usually can tell within 30 seconds if a person is lying or not�

The response that I got� SHE STARTED TO FREAK OUT ON THE PHONE. SCREAMING AND YELLING AT ME! She told me that I better check my �source� that is not what she said (but she never did say what she said) and that the last time I asked her the answer was no (I NEVER ASKED HER BEFORE) and this time it was no and next time it was no. So I pointed out that the last time I asked her what was up was because I noticed something and I wanted to know. It had nothing to do with anyone else and now I want to know if she said these things. Still screaming at me she never clarified what WAS said, but that I have to choose who I want to believe. She just kept repeating over and over that this isn�t the reason. (well what is it then?) So I said, �well I don�t know who to believe, you still haven�t said anything to make me believe that you didn�t� say anything along those lines.� She said, �well that is your fucking problem then, isn�t it?� and I said, �yea, I guess it is.� And I hung up the phone.

GUILTY AS CHARGED. Come on. An innocent person would try to clear things up, or be much more sane than she was.

And all I can remember is her mother in law begging me on their wedding day to NEVER stop being friends with her son because of his wife. Why would family say that? Why would my other friends, Don, Ellen, Sue, Paul, Carrie and who else, say that she needs a bullet in her head (that is a direct quote from one of the above mentioned names) Why would people come up to me and ask me why I was friends with her?

I am hurt that I lost another friend. I sit here at my desk and I look at the 6 or so pictures that are over here and Ed and Jess are in 3 of them and the other pictures were taken by Ed and Jess of Kevin and I. The thing that really gets me, why did they spend Fourth of July WEEKEND with us then? Why did they invite us to the wedding? Take our money that we gave them as a present? So this is how it goes down? Fucking bullshit. I would have more respect for her if she said, �yea bitch, I said those things about you. I feel that way. I am sorry, but I can�t be friends with you anymore.� Ok� cool. But nah, she will always be a coward to me know. And no matter what, there is no repairing what she has just done. Too bad, because her husband just lost two good friends.

So back to my original question�is it me or is it her? I don�t know.

***Two years ago today, was a tragic day in our history and will NEVER be forgotten. I will never forget Carol and Renee. Both are missed terribly.***