Sept. 24, 2003 - Happy Trees

We are having pot roast with roasted red potato, butternut squash, frest steamed string beans and a bottle of wiine for dinner tonight. Don and Ellen are coming over. Yum.

I have this new photo album that was just given to me. So many memories. Damn I was a cute little girl. I got ugly around the age of 9. Anyway, I finally have pictures of my mother and my father in them. Debbie couldn't stop other family member from holding onto my past. Ha. So I will have the family portrait of 1978 forever and ever. So strange to look at my parents and picture what it would be like if they had never gotten a divorce. I just can't imagine. I don't even see what my mother had in common with my dad in the first place. Such is life I suppose

I am really digging this painting on canvas shit. I love the way the paint feels as it glides over the canvas. I love the way the colors will blend and the way my hand moves and minipulates shapes and shades. So peaceful. I wish I had talent, I mean real talent. I am doing some great abstracts and messing around with technique, but I want to create something of beauty.

While I paint, my mind wanders. I don't really know where it goes. I don't remember, but it takes me far away. I love that feeling. I don't hear anyting, not even the sound of my own breathing. I need this time for myself. I need it for us. I need it for others around me. Please people, don't ask me why I do what I do, just accept it as a part of who I am. Please don't get mad at me if I leave my paintbrushes all over the table; it is my table, my brush. Just accept it. I accept you more than you know.

I remember being 5 years old. I made her a pretty flower out of a dixie cup and a pipe cleaner. The center of the flower had a piece of a small kleenex in it. I made that for her, a special piece of my 5 year old heart. She gave it to Megan. I was devistated, I even cried and she told me to stop crying, it was no big deal. huh. Maybe not to her, but it was the world to me. I will never forget how my tiny heart broke that day, it feels just as real to me today as it did over 22 years ago. Why did I just remember that day? Why do these old thoughts just pop into my head?