Oct. 16, 2003 - My dream of murder

Yippee. Game 7. Oh my god. Who thought this? I don�t know if I can watch tonight. I get to nervous when I watch. I start to bite my nails, or clench my teeth. This is why I don�t watch any other sport, I can�t handle it.

Last night I was listening to the game on the radio, I knew we were 4-1. Cool. I go in the house, turn on the TV, then I go to the kitchen to get a drink and I come back and like what the fuck, the Yankees are up 5-4?? So I went outside and sanded the cabinet doors. I started to paint the bathroom and what ever else. I put the knobs on, hung the coat hanger and scrubbed the floor on my hands and knees. I was listening to the game, but I couldn�t watch. When Kevin got home I kept running in at glimpsing at the TV. I couldn�t watch. Then my boy, my sweet, sweet Nomar played ball like he should. I was screaming, jumping up and down and I started to cry.

THIS IS STUPID. I shouldn�t be crying over a baseball game. I am already tense about tonight. (psst. �common Red Sox, don�t break our hearts again. Please. Ok. Thank you.)

So yea, the bathroom is 98% done now! It would be totally done, but I bought the wrong hinges for the doors. I don�t know a damn thing about hinges, so I got the pretty ones that I wanted. So BACK to Home Depot I go. I have to return some other stuff too, but I hate going there for stupid small stuff. I have to lug the door with me and try to match it up. Crazy. Ahh. And I need to fix the toilet. Still won�t flush right. I think I need to call in my dad for this one.

We had a nice quite night after the game. Morgan went out and Mark came over. We watched some TV and a little bit of the Bruins game. I was so tired I had to go to bed.

I had a very scary and strange dream last night. Actually I had two. I had a dream that I knew I was going to be murdered. The me in my dream had a vision somehow or some foresight that I knew I was going to be murdered and where my body was going to be dumped. So I told everyone who it was that was going to do it and where my body would be dumped; but more importantly I told them the clues that they would need to find in order to catch the guy who did it. I remember feeling very uneasy about this in my dream. I kept going through the dream wondering who it was and when it would happen, and then I met this strange freaky guy in the dream and I knew it was him, so I called the police and they were following me. Sort of a prevention type step, so I actually wouldn�t die. But I forced myself to wake up from this dream. I remember telling myself to wake up, wake up, wake up. And I did.

I shook Kevin and told him that I was going to be murdered and I was afraid to go back to sleep. He rubbed my arm and said I would be fine. So I tried to force myself to dream of fuzzie bunnies and little puppies or something like that. But I kept thinking about my death. So strange.

Needless to say, I am not well rested again. I am thinking about taking a sleeping pill so I will feel rested when I wake. Either that or I need a vacation where I do nothing for a whole week.

I asked the boss for the day off after Thanksgiving. We will see. This is going to have to be major discussion and what not. I have no more vacation time. I have unpaid leave days, so I will use that, but still I can�t ever get a yes or a no. Sometimes I don�t want to be here. Sometimes I don�t know where I want to be. I just go through the motions because I have to. Why do I feel like this? I don�t want to just exist I want to live and feel and take it all in. Does that sound crazy? Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy.

Fuck. Is it 5 yet?