Oct. 27, 2003 - Mindless rant and ramble

**Warning- This entry is one long rant and ramble. None of these thoughts will make sense**

Why? Why did I have to be there when she called her husband to ask him if it was ok if she went home with Jon and Beth? I don�t mean like go home and have a party, I mean go home and fuck. I was standing there with my mouth hanging open.

If it is your PERSONAL life, then DO.NOT.FUCKING.INCLUDE.ME. And that is exactly what they did. Brought me into something that I do not need to/want to/care to be apart of/know or even imagine.

She calls me Saturday afternoon and asks me if I want to go to the Rebar to go see Blockhead. So sure, it�s a date. Me and C*****. Now she doesn�t drink so I figured this is my chance for a designated driver. I keep ordering Captain and Cokes (tall) I had a few Guinness too. Band is playing, and we are watching the Yankees loose the world series�Things are going fine. Then in walks this girl Beth. Jon�s very drunk, very young and very childish girlfriend. Apparently, this whole evening was in the works for quite sometime, but I was the only one who didn�t know it.

C***** and Beth are dancing (read: humping on the dance floor) I am dancing by myself with these people from APC that I met that night, then I started to dance with the Australian people who are in town on business. (They were really cool) I don�t think anything of the dancing; I am drinking and having a good time.

2 am, band is done playing, time to go home. Good thing that I don�t have to drive right, 7 pint glasses of Captain & Cokes and 2 pints of Guinness� WRONG-O. She says to me, �I need to call ****, I have to ask him something.� Ok. I open the car and give her the cell phone. She calls him and asks him if it is OK to go home with them. She is on the phone for like 4 minutes� She hangs up the phone and says, �What do you think?� So I said, �Well to tell you the truth, if you go home with them, my opinion of you will totally change, I will have no respect for you and your marriage and I can honestly say that I have no idea how our friendship will survive if I don�t respect you.� She goes, �oh.� And I said, �I will of course have to tell Kevin about this, because I am so weirded out by this, and I don�t know how he is going to feel.� She says, �oh. But do you know how long it has been since I have been with another couple?� I said, � I don�t fucking care how long it has been. Do you know how long it has been since I have dropped acid? Too long, but I don�t do it because I had to grow up. You are MARRIED with 2 children, trying on your third child and you want to go fuck these other people�something is fucked up about that. You want to swing, fine, but you have children what are you teaching your children? If you want to sleep around with girls, guys, dogs, whatever, fine, but why be married then? � She says, �I know where you are coming from, but I was different before I got married and then I changed.� I said, �That is because you got married when you were 19. You have no idea who the fuck you are at 19/20. I think you are making a mockery of the sacrament of marriage; and don�t you dare talk to me about God/the church and my lack of faith because I will blow you out of the water with your lack of morals�� She said that she wouldn�t do that to me, but I know her husband and he has thrown my lack of religion back at me. But come to find out they are off the catholic wagon at this present time. (Whole different entry, but I HATE people who change the religious beliefs to fit them daily and who tailor what they want out of the religion to fit their current life style. Like I said, that is going to be a whole different entry some day)

Now here I am, drunk and I have to drive. I didn�t plan on driving, but I do. On the way out of the parking lot, she asks me to pick up a pack of cigarettes for **** and drop them off to him. Ok I said. I was so fuming inside. So I go to the Mobile station, get a pack of cigarettes and I start to pack them. Yup, felt like I never stopped. So I pack them and I open them and I light one. I HAVEN�T smoked in 3 years. I was shaking�I have to admit that first drag was soooooooo good. Then I started to get ill from it. Now my stomach starts to hurt from the rum. I think I probably have some sort of ulcer, because I have noticed when I drink rum, my stomach hurts. I don�t mean like I am hung over hurt, but crippling pain..

I called Kevin�s cell phone to tell him what I am going through, I told him that I smoked a butt and blah blah blah� I arrive at the house to drop off the cigarettes. *** Looks at me and I said to him the same thing that I told C*****. I told him that I don�t appreciate being put in the situation. He says, �Yea but it is my life.� I said, � I know that, then fucking keep it to yourself, DO NOT INCLUDE ME IN IT.� I got in my car and drove home. Of course I called Morgan and she was just as dumbfounded as I was.

What I can�t figure out and probably what is bothering me the most is why am I so mad? Why is this affecting me as much as it does? I am not a prude. I have had my share of threee-somes and my one-night stands and my flings with chicks and what have you, but I left that all behind when I decided to commit myself to one person. Hey I had fun, but I didn�t involve others in my escapades. Hell, I have done things that I have never told anyone, because they are private. Not to mention that she left me. Cardinal rule: Go out with someone, you go home with them. You want to hook up, fine but you make other arrangements, not on my watch. That is the way we lived all those years ago, and the ONE fucking time I let that rule slide, Erica went home with this guy and he fucking raped her. So no. STICK TO THE RULE.

So the phone is ringing all day yesterday, **** looking for Kevin. Why is he dragging Kevin into this? What is Kevin going to say? Well Kevin and I talked and he said he feels the same way that I do, but it is their life� I said, I know that, but what the fuck? I told them years ago that I don�t need to know about who they fuck and why. but they made it my problem and put me in the situation (I mean, not IN the situation, but you know�) so if they want to drag YOU in too, then tell them what you are telling me.

True to Kevin�s form he threw me under the bus. Didn�t stand up for me, but took the passive road and agreed with what **** said to him on the phone. The whole conversation was Kevin going, �yup. Hmmm. Yea. Yup. Yea.� Then true to fashion, **** threw words and sentences in that I DID NOT SAY. Yes I told **** that if he wants to live his life like that, I don�t want to be apart of it. And it is true. But he told Kevin that I said NEITHER of us will have anything to do with them and the friendship is over.

FUCK YOU ****! You are such a fucking looser. You are married, live with YOUR MOTHER and you can�t hold down a job for more than 2 months. You are a recovering alcoholic and you go around telling us how to live our life and that we shouldn�t have bought a house we can�t afford it. I shouldn�t have gotten the jetta blah blah blah. At least I can hold down a top paying job, my lover doesn�t go elsewhere and I have my own house and my own life. I am not a pathological liar and I am not a LAZY FUCK like you are. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHh.

C***** calls me to see if we are �cool�. I said, �Um, no we are not cool. I have no idea if we will ever be cool and this is going to take me a long time to get over. I don�t know why and I am sorry, but you shouldn�t have involved me in your personal life.� She says that she is a little confused as to why I feel this way, but ok. She just wanted to let me know that if the shoe were on the other foot, she wouldn�t feel that way about me.

I told her that she must be a better person than I am.

Am I out of line here? I don�t like gray areas. I am more a black and white bull-headed person. I guess if I didn�t know as much about the marriage of **** & C***** then maybe I wouldn�t feel this way? I don�t know. I had the minimum about of respect for **** as it was, and that is gone now. I always liked C*****. But now? I don�t know. I just don�t know.

My stomach still hurts and I still have no voice. It was coming back, but then I screamed and yelled at Kevin for being a man with no balls to say what he really wants to say to people. I thanked him for throwing me under the bus and for letting me fight another battle by myself. He doesn�t get it. It would be one thing if he said to me, �Jes, I don�t agree with you.� Ok then. We will move on, but to say that he believes 100% in what I am saying�then twists and turns his words around so that he comes off the passive-aggressive way just pissed me off.

Fuck you Kevin. Be a man; tell OTHER people what you are really thinking, don�t just tell me. I am so tired of it. Stand up for yourself once and a while, don�t just do it in front of me and always make me look like the asshole.

So once again, I have gone into my cave. I have shut down. I have no other way to explain to you how I feel. I felt a piece of me die last night. I feel my soul shriveling up. Now I sit and bite my tongue and listen to fools around me. I get the feeling that I can�t be me no matter where I go. I am not trying to be right all the time. NO! That isn�t it. Shut the fuck up and HEAR what I am saying. I am not mad that you didn�t agree with me. That is not it. I am pissed that you, on your own accord with your own brain said and mirrored my exacts thoughts, but when push came to shove you didn�t hold your ground. That is what I am pissed off at. And then you throw all this nasty shit in my face. Fuck you; playing dirty is a coward�s way out. Fight fair. I have a very sharp tongue, but to save face I bite it more often then not. IF you want, I will gladly start flinging as much shit as you flung at me last night. You want me to unleash this tongue at you, at your friends? Because I will. And I will Guaran-damn-tee you that you will not like it. All that I ask is for some support some show of emotion that you are in my corner. You never let me see or feel that. So when I feel alone, I fight like I am alone.

I have had broken hearts before. That feeling that your heart is really breaking into two. But last night, it didn�t break into two, it crumbled and was run over by the bus you threw it under. Can you fix that?