Oct. 30, 2003 - And the sunsets on this one

Something is changing. I know he feels it; and he is scared. I am too for that matter. I try and try and try. I talk and talk and talk, until I don�t want to talk anymore or I don�t want to say how I am feeling, because he just doesn�t �get it�. He just gets mad, or angry and then the explosion. *** BOOM*** now we are both screaming and yelling and I end up crying and he hates crying so I want to be comforted, but he keeps yelling at me because I am crying.

I ask him what he wants from me. He tells me to be like I was when I lived in Narragansett. What the fuck does that mean? He doesn�t know. He tells me that he feels alone. Ha. YOU THINK YOU FEEL ALONE?

I was once this very sensuous and very sexual person. I love to be touched, caressed, held, cuddled, hugged, kissed; anytime, anywhere. I crave it. I have always been this way. I love to give it back; I love to share in those stolen moments at a party or where ever we may be. I tried so hard at the beginning to communicate to him how I NEED this in my relationship. He told me this was new to him, no one ever talked about what they wanted or needed from him, so he would try. But the more I tried to talk about MY wants and needs, he would get angry. He feels that I don�t like what he does for me and I always want more. I would ask him what he wants, and nothing.

He says that I don�t kiss him the way I want to be kissed, or I don�t touch him the way I want to be touched. This isn�t true. See I USED to do this. But when my actions go unnoticed or I get pushed away, I stop. Why keep doing something that never gets noticed or reciprocated? But now he notices?

Now I am lifeless. No longer sensuous, no longer sexual. He gives me a hug and I want it to be over. I can�t be bothered. He wants to give me a hug while I am in the middle of cooking dinner with my arms and hands full of chicken� What? You want this now? What about the last four years? Where the hell have you been?

Again I try to communicate what I need, and he gets mad. Saying I am not what he wants. What the fuck? JUST FUCKING LISTEN TO ME. HEAR WHAT I AM SAYING. I am not saying that you are not for me, or that I don�t love when you do xyz. I am saying that xyz could be better if this happened or that happened.

I have had some of the most amazing sex and experiences in my life. None of which come from the man I am with now. I do not compare him to Chevy or to any of the others. That isn�t right; but I compare how I am with him and how I was with others; I am totally different now and I don�t like it. I want the fun and the fire back. He has never shown any interest in that. But he wants to go to strip clubs and wonders why I get mad?

He is so his mother. Don�t talk about anything, because god forbid then that would mean that there is an actual PROBLEM. So instead he pretends there isn�t a problem but when it blows up, in his mind it means that I am not happy or I didn�t get my way.

That isn�t it at all. I feel that I am the only one who acknowledges problems. When I bring up topics of problems or areas that need to be fixed, the only thing he talks about are the clothes and shoes that I leave all over the house. Sometimes if he is on a roll he will throw money in my face. Ok, so these might be valid issues, but they are usually not the issues that we are discussing at the moment.

I address his issues, and then apparently our conversation is over because he got what he wanted. I am still sitting there thinking, �ok, well now what do we do about the lack of sex going on? I don�t know. But I know where he wants me to put my fucking shoes.�

I am tired of butting heads with him. I am tired of feeling alone. I am tired of feeling lifeless and non-sensual, I am tired of boring sex. I crave for attention and affection. I want conversations that have nothing to do with fucking sports or sport teams and when I mention it I don�t want to be called a bitch.

I always show interest in what he wants. I don�t ever feel that he wants to know about me. I never feel that he is proud of my accomplishments or of me. I feel that some of his words of praise are hollow.

He is not a deep man. And I know this. But something? Anything? I am not looking for conversations on War and Peace. I am not looking for a fucking book nerd.

Why isn�t he open to suggestion? What the fuck is so scary? Why won�t he talk or why does he get mad when I try to talk about issues that are not so perfect in our lives?

He wants me to be the way I was in Narragansett, well how am I supposed to do that after all these years of being held down? I can be that girl, I would LOVE to be that girl but he would never stand for that. I know he wouldn�t. And if I became that girl again, he wouldn�t stay around, he wouldn�t be able to handle her. I don�t know what to do. I am out of the energy it takes to figure this out. I am out of the umpfgh I used to have.