Nov. 13, 2003 - Laid off for the winter

Kevin gets laid off the day before turkey day. This is a good thing (less time working) and this is a bad thing (we need the money). He is looking into the unemployment to see if he can collect at least a portion of the money that he would have been earning if he were still at that job. If I told you people what he made working as a career firefighter, you would laugh.

Most people think that Firefighters make mad money, well in part this is true; but that is usually the most senior firefighters or because of overtime. Let�s put it this way, I push paper all day and answer phones and design web sites and I make MORE money than he does. He saves lives and puts himself in danger on a daily some times hourly basis. That is fucked. So yea we do need that money. Especially now, we have started on the basement construction.

Most of the framing that was up we will use, so that saves us some money. I think we are going to get the insulation next week along with the drywall. OOOh, I get to use power tools. I am so excited. I have a different vision than I think the boys do. They know how to build, I know how to envision the whole layout and design. The one think I am not sure about is having Jay and David buying the materials for us. I want to see the quality and what choices that I have. I trust them, but lets be real hear boys, this is MY house, MY money, I want it MY way. Kevin doesn�t really care either way, he just wants to use his automatic nail gun.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner. I have to buy the turkey and the ham this week. Along with some of the wine and beer, that way we won�t be socket with the $300 liquor store tab at the last minute. I estimate that this dinner will cost about $500. I hope I can cook this turkey. I have NEVER cooked for 30 people before in my life.

Christmas is around the corner. Ugh. I don�t even want to think about starting shopping. I have to finish with the purple room that I started to paint. I hate it. I fucking HATE the color. So now I have to do some damage control. Faux finish; but with what color. ??? I cant seem to find my creativity these days. I went to the fabric store last night and I came out empty handed. I just can�t seem to �see� what I want the house to look like. I think it is because too much is going on. I need it to be quite again. I need peace and quite in my life.

Morgan is going through a rough time right now. Jamie broke up with her. But only after she bought a plane ticket to go visit him. I always knew he was a piece of shit, but I didn�t think he was this bad. She is hurt and angry and all that comes with break ups, but I know she will go back if he asked her or came up here for a visit. She is so weak like that. It makes me so mad that she doesn�t have enough love for herself to stop her own pain. I want to look at her and scream, but I can�t and I don�t. I am getting good at that. I did tell the other day that I wish she would have belief in herself and that she had faith in something. I told her she needs to have purpose and then the rest of her life would fall into place. She needs to start taking control of her life and not just go with the flow. Sometimes the flow just washes you up on shore with nowhere to go.

I have been meaning to write about my feelings on a situation. I haven�t yet because�well because I haven�t had the strength to talk about it, but this malicious email made it�s way into my inbox and I can�t ignore it anymore. I can�t ignore the blatant bullshit lies. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF DRUGS ARE YOU ON???? Seriously. I have heard things here and there, but this one really topped it off. Tires slashing? Come on. I know about so many of the other �little� (well I guess size of the lie is relative) lies and I laugh, a lot. But to know that an entire life could be ruined (and in some sense has been) because of fabricated bullshit is just too much for me.