Feb. 03, 2004 - Not ready to be the Mrs...

I decided to not lock this thing. Lock, unlock. What-ever. Fuck it, too much hassle for me.

Moving on. In other news, Kevin asked me to sort of marry him on Friday night. Now settle down, it wasn�t like a real marriage proposal. He just said, �hey lets get married. What do you think?� He wants to run off and get hitched with only our best man and maid of honor present. In theory this sounds so romantic and exciting�but dude, I AM NOT READY TO GET MARRIED. And even (and that is a big, huge EVEN) if I was, I want a wedding. The whole shebang. I mean the annoying fake smile, the annoying first dance, the cake the whole deal. Sigh. BUT I AM NOT READY TO GET MARRIED. Did I mention that already? What is wrong with me? I am approaching * gulp * tttwwweeennty- ee-ight and I have been with this man for four years. We have lived together for two years and we own a home together; both names on the mortgage.

I almost said yes. One more margarita and it would have been a done deal. Thank god the waitress took forever with the drinks. I told him that 2004 wasn�t my year. I like the sound of 2005 better. Hehe. * sheepish smirk * Phew! Avoided that disaster.

But seriously, I don�t think I am ready to be a wife, what- ever the hell that means. I just don�t know if I can handle not being Jes W**dard anymore. I mean THAT is who I am, not Kevin K*ng�s wife. * sigh * It just seems so weird to me. I need help. Obviously more help than I am already receiving.

Funny thing, I was engaged before and all I could think about was getting married and being the �little woman�, but now�not so much.

Can we discuss how I hate organized religion? I should say that it isn�t necessarily the organized religion that I dislike, rather it is the people who follow said religions. Or is that too taboo? I will just leave it at that for a while. I am too fired up and I want to write about it with a clear head. * grumble, grumble *

Sometimes, I just want to scream, throw myself on the floor and act like a three year old. Is that so wrong?