Feb. 16, 2004 - Will I see my trees grow?

It is a Monday holiday and I am at work.  I have plenty to keep me busy, I am just not tapped into the �work� mode today.  There is always tomorrow�

Mike and Melissa came over last night.  These are friends of Kevin since they were in Jr. High School.  Mike and Missy have been together since they were in high school (Miss is my age 28/29 and Mike is 30) and they have been married for five years.  We don�t hang out with them much, they are hard to take in large doses.  She is a control freak and she treats Mike like a baby sometimes.  Sometimes he deserves it, because he does things that annoy me, but we have not seen them since Mike�s surprise 30^th (which was the same night that I lost my diamond earring) and they haven�t seen the house and they really wanted to come over.

To my surprise, I had a good time.  They weren�t at each other�s throat like usual and the evening was calm.  I like it.  The boys talked about boy things.  The size of the t.v. (they just got a mongo huge t.v. as well) Sports Center, Ireland and trucks.  Missy and I talked about bills, therapy, decorating, sister problems, parent problems.  We talked a ton about money and I just, just don�t know how I feel about that.  We also discussed similar issues we have with our unstable backgrounds and how it affects our lives as adults.

Money.  Kevin and I are not rich.  I don�t pretend to be.  We live comfortably the way we want to live.  I could save more.  We should have money for a vacation but we don�t.  I don�t think we are poor, I just think we do ok for what we have.  With that said, Missy thinks that my car payment is outrageous and she almost choked when I told her that I pay $353 a month for Sophie and we pay $312.50 for the Bug.  She was amazed that we pay $700 in car payments a month AND we have a mortgage.  Is it really that odd?  I mean we go out find the best rates, take the best deals and we do what is manageable for us and our income.  My mortgage is $1,399.99 (yes, it is that exact amount) a month and we always pay an extra $100 every month.  Kevin pays extra on his car and all of our credit cards.  I don�t think it is all that bad.  She just made me feel like maybe we are wrong in the way we live.  But then I think about the vacations that they go on every year and I think, �to each his own�.  I wanted my car.  I looked around, and with out putting thousands of dollars down on a car, I got the best rate I could.  Same with the bug, but that is why we are going to get the lower loan from the bank and even if we keep the bug, we will pay it off faster. 

Missy and Mike are building a house and she is expecting to be broke.  She told me that their loan is going to be for $160,000 with the APR at 5.5% (we have that same rate) and she was wondering what her mortgage payments were going to be.  I was like, �you don�t know that already? They didn�t tell you what to expect?� so we went on-line and got the figures.  The mortgage will be aprox $900 and then taxes, so figure roughly $1,100 a month.  She was stunned.  She said, �and you are not strapped with THIS house and the mortgage?� I said, �nope.� And I left it. 

I had nothing before in my life.  NOTHING.  I used to have to steal toilet paper from the Dunkin� Donuts because I couldn�t afford to wipe my ass.  I used to eat plain spaghetti with butter on it for like days because that is all I had money for. (pasta; 4 boxes for $2)  I guess I just feel that if I want to spend money on a car payment I can.  If we have a $200,000 house payment then we do.  If I can swing it, why not?  I felt like I was at a dog and pony show or something.  So weird.  I just don�t think Kevin and I are doing anything wrong. Do you?

We also discussed our sister issues.  Missy mom died when she was around 15 years old.  Her father is a bi-polar schizophrenic and he abandoned Missy and her two younger sisters.  She has had the role of mother, sister, friend and enemy all rolled into one.  Just like I have with Morgan.  Missy totally knew where I was coming from on every issues.  She is in therapy too.  We laughed about it.  I told her how I was afraid to plant my baby trees that I got from the Arbor Society because I feel that I will not be around to see my trees grow up.  I have this feeling deep down inside that this *dream* that I am living will go away on me in the blink of an eye.  POOF!

She understood.  It felt good to have someone understand why I am who I am and why I do some of the things that I do.  No one understands why I am a total "I need this and I need it now" kind of person.  I am afraid that I don't have time like everyone else.  I feel that I don't have years for my house to look the way I want.  I have now and I need it to be *just* so right now, while I am here.  It is so sad really.  So sad that I am this way.  I try not to be, I just keep waiting for that other shoe to drop sometimes.  But waiting for that shoe to fall I waste what I have going on in my life and I get so frustrated that I want to run and scream and just free fall.

I sound so fucking insane.