Feb. 19, 2004 - Eve of the anniversary

Tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of the Station Night Club Fire as well as the day that Rick lost his battle with Cancer.

I wrote about this horrific day in my old diary, I will try to sum it up here. It is just really hard for me and this entry might not flow the way I really want. My emotions are still on the surface when it comes to this subject.

We went out right after work to go have some drinks so we could sit and talk and discuss how shitty it is to loose a friend. Bottom line, we got drunk and went home. I remember crawling in bed and hearing Kevin�s scanner going off calling all back up screaming for people to cover and go on scene. I had no idea what was going on, Kevin had been drinking so he couldn�t go no need to wake him. My phone starts ringing. What time is it? Fuck. 1 am, who is calling me? Morgan, that is who. She is in tears screaming and crying. She had tried calling both of our cell phones but we weren�t answering. She was in front of the Station and she thought she saw Ed�s car and she knew that we were talking about going to the show if we had nothing else to do. She thought we were inside, dead.

I go back to sleep, still too drunk to put things together. I wake up at 5 am to learn what was going on while I was sleeping. I think at that time the death toll was 65, no one ever knew that the number would reach 99 people. My phone started to ring at 6 am. More people looking for us, we were calling looking for people. Ed�s band played there a ton of times, we knew all those people, the waitress, the bouncer�

I turned on CNN and there I saw Laurie. OH MY GOD SHE IS ALIVE!! I was crying tears of relief, tears of sadness and tears of fear.

I have friends who were there, pulling out bodies, trying to save lives. I know the guy who was dispatching 911 and got a call from the girl in the bathroom asking for help; they found her with the phone still in her hand. You can�t imagine what it is like to know that your friends have seen some of the most disturbing things and you can�t help them get better.

We had Rick�s funeral a few days later and all anyone could ask Kevin was if he was there. I know he feels bad that he didn�t lend a hand in the worst fire our state has ever seen, but I am thankful everyday that we decided to get drunk that night. It sounds selfish, and maybe it is, but I know that if he had been there it would have ruined him.

We have attended many fundraising functions for the fire. I cry at every one. I see fire victims and I cry. I watch it on the news, I cry. I can not explain to you how those days following the fire have affected me, our relationship and this whole state.

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