Mar. 02, 2004 - WALSTIB

I go through the phases in my life where one minute I am totally comfortable and then next I want change, I want to jump out of my skin and do something, anything new and exciting. I don�t know if this is because I am a Gemini or if this is because of my childhood and being bounced from parent to parent, both of which live totally different lives and lifestyles. I have been able to change the way I behave, act, talk, walk and dress in the matter of minutes. I had to learn what I could do at one house and what was expected of me at the other house. After a while it became a very choreographed dance that was as seamless as could be. I just think it has lingering affects on me at times. This is either one of those times, or it is a bad case of spring fever.

I just want more. More what though? More out of life I suppose. Not like I want to go and climb Mt. Everest or save the bay. But more. There has to be more than what I have right? Inner peace? What the hell is that anyway? I don�t know, maybe I have never had it, maybe that is what I am looking for? I have too many questions and I need answers. I need a book with the answers. I am that kind of girl. I need knowledge with out the work. I want to know why it isn�t ok for gay people to marry. I want to know why I don�t believe in God or the Church or why I don�t take people at their word 99.9% of the time. I want to know why I lost my faith in humanity and that I can restore it. I want to know what my purpose is here. I want to know why I live the life that I live.

If I allow myself to sit and think about it, I get so angry at myself for dropping out of college. I mean what the fuck did I really expect? That I was going to go back? Pffft. I knew I wasn�t, but it was too hard for me. I didn�t like the system, I didn�t like the bullshit and the clicks and the annoyance of it all. Pathetic, I know. But now I am older and I want that education, not for the degree, but for my brain; and I don�t have the money or the time. Yea I screwed that one up. I don�t let myself go there, I have always said that I do not live on regret, it takes up too much time and if I had chose the path of finishing college I wouldn�t be where I am with the people I have met on the way. But some days it just gets the better of me�

My insecurities are really coming out now that summer is coming. Weight. Why can�t I get my mind set to loose weight? I quit smoking and I gained an astronomical amount of weight. More than I am comfortable writing in an unlocked diary. I need to loose this weight, not for physical reasons, but for health and mental purposes too. The fact that I look at myself in recent pictures and think �oh my lawd look at the size of my face/ass/back/legs ect� and that the fact that I know people just look at me as a fat girl has stopped me from getting a part time job, from going places and even on a vacation last year. I don�t dare tell people this because they would look at me and say, �then loose the weight�. Well that is easier said then done. I have tried. I just can�t get to that place in my head and I don�t know why.

��Sometimes the lights all shining on me other times I can barley see, lately it occurs to me,what a looong strange trip it�s been�� - Trucking, The Grateful Dead

I Unfortunately, I have to cut this short and leave it at that. I have other things that I need to tend to at this time, but I will come back to this, I must.