Apr. 01, 2004 - Do scars ever really heal?

I am going to be 28 years old in 67 days. It feels so unreal. I never planned what 28 would be. I knew what I wanted at 21,22,25, but after that it stopped. (I think I wrote about this before so I will stop) But yea 28 years old. (shivers)

Looking into weddings. I don�t really know why, but the conversation comes up every other day. I told him straight out that I want to get married and if he doesn�t get off his fucking ass and ask me by the end of this year, I am out. If he doesn�t know by now if I am the one, then he doesn�t know. I am not going to lie, there are days when it is so hard to love him, and then there are days when it is so easy. I am a TOTALLY different person than Kevin is, and I wonder about that at times, but when I sit and really think about it and him and our life; it comes full circle and I know I am where I belong. Will our marriage last forever? Who knows, does anyone? I have enough fight in me to make it last, and I have great therapist so I figure I have a 50/50 shot.

We took $10,000 out of the bank yesterday. This is Kevin�s money, not a loan, not his parents money, but money that he has been saving for years. We don�t like touching this money to get us out of jams, but sometimes it is nice to know that we have that kind of cushion. I am in charge of pricing out all the things that we are hoping to accomplish and put them in order of importance. I am going to try to budget a ring in there somewhere. I know what I want; I can get a great deal on a beautiful stone (my aunt is a jeweler and hooks us up). If he wants to get married and do what he has been talking about, I am game. The only thing I require is a ring this time. I don�t know why, but I want a ring first. I want him to ask my father, and I want a ring. I told him that I would buy him a ring if he wanted; his reply is that he doesn�t wear jewelry.

I wanted a July or September wedding, but seeing as though we are going to be married somewhere out of the country, I am thinking we can do October, November kind of wedding. Scotland is still an option, but I am not sure about the cost for some of our family members, and seeing as though Kevin�s parents are in there 80�s we think that might scare them away and they won�t come. So I looked into the Bahamas, and we are looking into cruise type weddings, get married in Cozumel and party on the boat. What ever it is that we do, we will come home and have a reception.

We are really trying to cut costs, we have a small budget and I don�t expect my parents to pay for my wedding, so this is up to us. I sound like a silly girl in this entry. Yuck.

Moving on before I start to gag. I have a cold and a sore throat and a cough that hurts. Good news though, my cold sore went away! Yea. I think I am going to go home tonight and make a Captain Morgan�s chai tea and sweat this cold out. (Rum makes my throat feel better, I can�t explain it but it does, and it clears my sinus) It is supposed to be shitty weather over the weekend, so I will curl up on the couch and watch some HD movies and sleep. Oh that sounds so fun.

My sister is trying to find a job and she is driving me crazy. She called me the other day to tell me that she got a job for this home care health place. She will drive her car to the people�s houses and she will care for them, take them shopping, what have you. Ok, good for her. I ask her what the pay is, and she tells me $7.50/hr plus .15 per mile. I was like, �are you serious? You get paid more working at Walmart, and besides that with the price of gas these days .15 isn�t� going to do shit for you. You will be paying more out of pocket, plus your car isn�t all that new.� She was mad at me.

I know that the job market sucks right now, I know how hard it is to get a job, but don�t settle short. I told her to keep the orientation date next week, but keep looking. She had several places to call back today. Needless to say, she was PISSED at me. I can see why, I try not to sound so negative, and I bite my tongue more often than not, but in some situations she needs to see the whole situation as it presents itself. Am I wrong? She is going to be starting school fulltime in September (yet again) so she needs to work her ass off during the next 5 months and hoard her money so she can make it through the winter, $7.50 per hour isn�t going to cut it. Plus she pays rent now and that still stands. Ahhh Kids. I know I was a pain in the ass to my parents, but honestly I was living on my own by the time I was 20 years old and I had a good grip on life. Morgan, she is working on it�

Last night Morgan and I started to talk about how our parents never respected us as children and it struck a nerve with me. I started to get all riled up and I even started to shake. I was remembering all the nasty things her mother used to say to me and do to me. I want to know if it ever gets easier? Do those scars and mental images ever go away?

Last week I cried in Georgette�s office. I didn�t stop myself either and I didn�t care. I am tired of being in control all the time. I want a vacation from the decision-making, the one everyone comes to for advise, for leadership and guidance. I don�t want to live in survival mode anymore. I want others around me to start to take control of their lives and learn how to stand on there two feet. I have been doing this since I was SEVEN years old; I am fucking tired of it. Walk a mile in my footprints in the past, see the things that I have seen, be beaten like I was and go through all of the shit I have gone through, then look at me and call me a bitch, I dare you.