Apr. 12, 2004 - Thinking in the shower

***Edited with a few random thoughts*** First off, who the fuck was the person who told Uncle Kracker he would make good music? When you find out who he is let me know so I can slap him. Secondly, I hate eating fruit. I don�t know why, I just do. But I got the urge to have an orange today. I go and get a big fat orange from the market. I can�t wait to eat this thing, I have it all peeled and ready to go. I bit into it only to find out that it isn�t juicy and sweet tasting the way I want it, rather it is dry and bland. What the fuck. Ok continue with your day. **end of edit**** Weekend went well. We did yard work, I baked my ass off making deserts, dyed eggs, went to dinner, watched Trading Spaces like it was my job and we did the whole Easter thing yesterday.

I don't celebrate Easter, but I went to see the fam and did the egg hunt and watched some golf. Watching golf people, is like watching grass grow. That is all I have to say about that.

I came into work this morning and I found out that I had this nasty spyware/addware thingy with this funky toolbar installed on my computer. Now I didn't put it there and I didn't want it there so began the removal process. Three fucking hours later and a call into tech support I have it fixed.

Nice way to start my Monday. Luckily the rain we were supposed to get has not started yet and it is sunny and around 55 degrees outside; that offsets the computer problems I had this morning.

Boss' are out of town this week so it is just me and the cats here at work. The kitties are lonely so they all try to get lovin' from me so that takes away from work not to mention all the cat fur I have all over me. What a week.

I have so much work to do, I just can't get motivated enough to do it. I feel like I am stuck in mud and I can't move.

I was in the shower on Saturday afternoon and I started to think about all kinds of things, there really is no intelligent pattern to these thoughts, they just pop in and out. One of the things that popped into my head was my Grandfather W******. He lived with us while I was in High School and he was so difficult sometimes. He was older and could get very grumpy. I didn�t do much interacting with him, he brought me to work almost everyday and I would just chit chat to keep the silence from feeling uncomfortable. I would be embarrassed when my friends would see him picking me up or dropping me off and I used to spend so much time in my room pissed off about something he said to me or to my friends on the phone. I was such an asshole. I spent so much time in my own little world as a teenager, I never stopped to get to know him as a person. I never asked the questions that mattered or things that I should have been asking. I took him for granted.

As I was standing in the shower, I started to bawl my eyes out. Did he know that I loved him?

I was there the morning he died. We all were. Standing there in the hospital room just looking at him waiting for him to let go. He finally did. I walked out of the room; I couldn�t handle it. I kept walking. I walked down the hall, down the stairs and out the front door of the hospital. I sat in my car, dried my eyes and just sat. I waited for my fianc� to come out and we left. I went to the beach, sat on a rock rolled a joint and I smoked until I was numb and tingly from head to toe. We got in the car and I slept all day. After the funeral I didn�t cry anymore about it. I just let it slip through the wholes in my heart and I hid all my pain/sorrow away. (I have a tendency of doing that) Until Saturday, four years later.

I realized for the first time in my life what taking someone for granted was. I did that to my poor grandfather; took him for granted. I wasted so much precious time being selfish and stupid. Now I have regret and I can�t do anything about it except move on. I try not to regret anything in life. I feel that regret takes up too much time and energy in your soul, but this is something that I do regret and I need to make sure I remember how I was feeling while I was standing in the shower. I need to make sure that I don�t let this happen again. I need to make sure that everyone I know and care about knows that I do love them. I need to start asking questions and learning about people and knowing who they really are.

This might not make any sense to you, but my life became a bit clearer because of it. Slowly I will become who I want to be.