May. 14, 2004 - Let go unexpectedly

I lost my job today. I don�t know how else to explain how I am feeling except compare it to loosing a loved one.

I loved my job and from the day I started there I knew it was the best job I would ever find, and today I feel like a part of me died and I am very sad. I wasn�t let go because of my work performance or anything like that, they just simply couldn�t afford me anymore. I was due for a raise and they couldn�t give that to me let alone keep me at the salary I was making.

I have never been let go from a job and I am not used to this feeling. I am going to miss my kitties. I have spent the last three years with those cats and sometimes knowing that I had them there was enough to get me through the hard times. I really feel empty inside.

I am not concerned about the money factor, but not as much as I am about not having something to do for 45 hours a week. I just don�t know what I am going to do. I can�t go work for another company after I had what I had with Allison **********. I usually can see ahead and know what I want for myself, but right now I am drawing a blank and it scares me. Finding another job and having to work with people scares the shit out of me and I don�t want it.

I can�t stop crying and I can�t stop my mind from racing. I know that I don�t have to make these decisions today, I have a few weeks, but still I am the kind of person who needs to know things ASAP so I can plan ahead.

I really am sad about not seeing Sara everyday and having her wisdom surround me. I am so grateful for the opportunity to work for Carl and Sara, because of them I am who I am today. I am grateful for the memories, all the good times and the bad. I am just sad to see them all go.

I guess today starts a new chapter in my life. I have never been more scared than I am right now.