Jun. 28, 2004 - It feels like Sunday Morning.

I am alive and well. Maybe not totally sane, but I am still here holding the 10 lbs of shit that gets stuffed into that 5 lb bag so it doesn�t explode

Things have been so fucked up around here lately. It isn�t all for the bad, just different that is all. I wish I could just open up my little brain and let you all hop around inside for a few minutes so you could see how much worry/stress/anxiety/shit I am carrying around with me all day, everyday.

Money is tight and the work is NOT coming in like the fuckers at the Unemployment center tell me it should be. (Hey Ron, did they make you go in for an orientation and tell you how to find a job and blow smoke up your ass and tell you that there are tons of jobs out there you just need to find them????)

I am doing all that I can to make things work around here. I pick two bills a week that I can pay with my unemployment check and then I whore myself out for whatever odd job (house cleaning and painting) that I can find for that week. Yea it is a real humbling experience. I cry about once a week and I get real angry and want to break things, but I just get up and go for a walk.

I am doing well on the diet. I have lost 33 lbs thus far and continue to loose more and more every day. I want to eat, I want to drink and I want to FREAK out at times due to all this stress; but I don�t and I just keep plugging along. I loose my health insurance this week. I don�t know what the fuck I am going to do about that. I am trying to get an answer from the fire district, but eh. If we don�t hear anything soon, we have decided to get married, not tell anyone and then have a wedding in September. This does not make me happy; but my fucking life has NEVER gone according to fairy tale schedule so why start now right? (can you tell I am a bit on the agitated side these days?)

We are going away this weekend. Couldn�t cancel the hotel room so might as well go for it. We are going to Newport for my cousin�s wedding. The last time I heard, the food was costing $150 per plate (so roughly $15,000 for food PLUS $10,000 for the reception facilities) and then the extras. I guess this shin-ding is a whopping $60-$70 grand when it is all said and done. That is the price for getting married in Newport on Fourth of July weekend. Yea. I had to go and have my gown fitted AGAIN b/c I lost twenty pounds since the last fitting. Now I need to just find a pair of shoes. I need to pack our bags and find someone to care for the babies while we are gone. More stress.

Morgan FINALLY turns 21 on Thursday. Yea for Morgie. Puppy should be here in 10 days�I want my puppy, I want my puppy, I want my puppy and I want her NOW!!!! I am however enjoying and savoring these last few days of not having to be a parent to a puppy.

My yard is totally gorgeous and looks like it belongs in a magazine. We have begun planning our Hawaiian Shirt party, we are having a band this year and we are expecting over 200 people. More stress.

Well I have more to write but I must go look at a house right now (no not to buy; I own two of them already. I am going to go clean it and I have to price it out first.)

Take care.