Aug. 02, 2004 - If you say it; Your actions better back up your words

First off I would like to say hello to my little mindspring stalker.(waves spastically) I know that you are not a friend of mine or you would have me on your buddy list. So why do you come here every bloody fucking day to see if I have updated? Why don�t you just put me on your buddies list that way it will save you time and you don�t have hunt me down like a cat hunting mice? Just a news flash for you, I don�t update everyday so you might not want to check in all the time. And if it keeps up, I will just post everything to my private folder.

Moving on.

These weeks and weekends just keep flying bye. I fucking can�t believe it is August already. This is depressing to me; I live for the summer and the summer nights and I know that they are going to be gone soon and it makes me sad. I don�t get to enjoy summer like I used to. I have too much responsibility now.

I got a new front door!!!! Whoo hooo! I am so excited. Now the front of our house looks warm and inviting and once the bushes in front are gone and a new garden gets planted it will look so awesome. Putting in the door has created many projects for me to do in the near(est) future. I have to paint the front of the door Navy blue, I have to paint the shutters Navy blue to match the door now, I have to prime and paint the new trim on the inside of the house, I have to touch up the wall paint that chipped, I have to sand, prime and paint the inside (or back of the door) and finally I have to sand and stain the piece of hardwood floor we had to replace. Crazy.

I am going to be spending the week down at our beach house. I don�t know if I am actually going to spend the entire week down there or just do the day thing and come home. Abbey really needs to sleep in her crate in her house just until she can be trusted not to mess in the house; she is a good puppy but she is only 11 weeks old and still has an occasional accident. I am still excited about beach time and I will be reading American Psycho while I sit my pale white ass on the beach. Because I have lost 40 pounds, my bathing suite does not fit me the way it should and I am too cheap to go buy another one; this stresses me out. Sigh. Next year I will get a new one, or if I find one on sale maybe�Dad�s surprise party is this Friday. I am excited but I am so nervous about giving him the portraits of us and the scrapbook. I am afraid he might not like it or it will be too much us. Like what if he didn�t want a portrait of us on his walls, what if his wife won�t let him put it up� I worry about stupid shit these days.

The scrapbook for my father is coming together nicely. It has cost us SO much money to do this; getting the pictures copied, buying the scrapbook stuff and having the portrait of us framed is costing us a bazillion dollars! We were up until 4:30 am the other night doing the scrapbook. My craft room is a mess and there has to be at least an inch of scrap paper, picture cut outs and glitter on the entire floor! For reasons like this, I am happy I have a craft room that I can just leave the mess, close the door and come back to work on my project later. Although we are having a good time with this project, it has caused great anxiety for me. Well maybe anxiety isn�t really the word that I am looking for, um� great levels of intense anger/frustration/sadness (?). Morgan has a ton of baby pictures of her and our family (like her mother, father, grandparents, cousins, ect.) and I have so little of those left because her mother (Debbie) took it upon herself to THROW THEM AWAY when she married my father. The pictures that I do have of myself from age 1-7 are pictures that my aunts and uncles have given me that they took of me. I am lucky to have even those pictures and I know this; it just doesn�t help me not get angry and want to get up jump in my car and beat the shit out of Deb for fucking up another thing in my life. Ugh.

******************WARNING!!! THIS PORTION OF MY ENTRY WILL OFFEND MANY PEOPLE AND I AM SORRY, YOU WERE NOT THERE, YOU DON�T KNOW THE AMOUNT OF SELF CONTROL I ACTUALLY HAD, SO IF YOU ARE OFFENDED THEN KEEP IT TO YOURSELF AND STOP READING MY DIARY*****************

Last week my sister and I went to A.C. M00re (a local craft store chain) to purchase some items for our little scrap booking extravaganza; anyway we were at the customer service/exchange lane (I had to return some spray paint that I didn�t need and I didn�t have the receipt so we used the store credit towards the new purchase) as we were finishing up with our purchase, I was putting my money in my wallet, picking up the bags and finishing up a conversation with the cashier about where to take our pictures (we had 150 of them) to get copied and what was cheaper� just as all this was happening, a woman and her daughter got in line behind us (I would say that the woman was in her 40�s and daughter was possibly 17-20 years old) As I was putting my money in my wallet I over heard the woman behind us making comments about us talking and wasting her time in line and stuff like that. I ignored her and was finishing up the conversation with the cashier when the woman behind us says in an extremely rude manner �EXCUSE ME BUT CAN YOU JUST MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, SOME OFS (and that is not a typo, she said ofs instead of the word OF) US HAS GOTS STUFF TO DO AND YOU NEED TO MOVE OUTS OF THE WAY�

I turned around and calmly (but very red in the face; that happens to me when I am surprised/shocked or going to lie) said to her �Um, you can wait one more minute, I am in the middle of a conversation and we are about done and I will move out of your way.� She gave me this blank cocky stare and I turned around looked at the cashier and continued talking. (I would like it to be known, that the amount of time this woman waited while she was behind me was a total of 30 seconds. From the time she approached the line to the time when I told her to hold on�) as I was talking to the cashier, the woman behind me says very loudly, �Oh yea that�s right. Miss Piggy better turn around before she gets her fat ass kicked by me. OH NO SHE DIDNIT (also NOT a typo) just tells ME to hold on a second. I will kick her fat ass��

Now at this point I turned around and looked right at her and said, �Listen lady; shut the fuck up will you. You couldn�t wait 30 more seconds? You are the rudest person I have ever met in my life.�

She got in my face and she shoved me.

Well from here it got ugly. And fast. She pushed me several more times, she grabbed my wrist and tried to turn it in a manner that was supposed to inflict pain on me but I was so revved up that nothing would have hurt me. She put the palm of her hand in my face and pushed my nose back several times� all the while I didn�t touch her.

I was screaming at her by this point, I know that someone had called the cops and I was happy about that because my intentions were to press charges on her for shoving me and physically touching my body. She kept calling me things like, �Fat Lesbian White bitch, Miss Piggy, Fat bitch, things like that� I didn�t move, I just kept yelling over and over again, �YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME and I haven�t done a fucking thing to you� I also got in her face and yelled (I have been told that when I yell like that, I am quite frightening and can be totally scary. My sister was with me and she said that she thought I was going to lay this woman out, just by the tone in my voice and the expression on my face) now I am up in her face and I said, �BITCH, you said you were going to kick my ass right? You said you were going to kick my ass, well MISS FUCKING PIGGY IS WAITING FOR YOU TO KICK.MY. ASS!!!� She shoved me instead, so I pushed back and her daughter jumped in and pushed me. (keep in mind this is about 2-3 minutes of pushing and yelling. I am waiting for the cops at this point and I was so shocked that not ONE person stepped in to stop any of this from continuing) The daughter pushes me and the mother yells that I hit her pregnant daut-er (not a typo) and she was going to sue me! (I did not hit anyone, the only time I used my hands was when I shoved the woman back after she launched at me like four times)

Now the woman walks in front of me puts her stuff on the counter and the dumb ass cashier starts to check her out. So I am like, �Oh my god. What am I going to do?� I started shaking and then I starting picturing in my mind, me taking this woman�s head, grabbing her hair and smashing her face into the counter top and not stopping. I knew I had to walk away or I was not going to stop and I didn�t really think that this behavior was acceptable and appropriate for a normal civilized person to do; I was not going to let her get to me and make me equal to her, so I walked away.

As I walked away she yells, �Yea that is right you fucking fat white lesbian bitch, you better walk away before I kick your ass�. I turned around marched right up to her; her eyes got as big as saucers and I said to her in a calm voice, � I might be fat, I might be white and I might just very well be a lesbian, but I AM NOT an ignorant nigger like you.� And I walked out the door.

OH MY FUCKING GOD. I couldn�t even believe that I called her that. I hate that word, I hate racism, but I had enough of her racial slurs and I am sick to death of people like her who think because they are black that they can treat anyone they meet anyway they damn well please.

I got out to my car and she was coming out of the store, she was screaming and yelling something, I don�t know I couldn�t hear what she was saying over the sounds of the sirens on the three cruisers of police officers that showed up!!! I was standing there, and I watched her and her daughter get in their car and drive off! So I looked at Morgan and said, �Let�s just go. No sense in filing a report on someone who just took off��

I am not proud of what I called her. I am not bragging about it. I said it and I am still shocked, but fuck me. She needed to back that ass up and step back and chill the fuck out. I know that most people wouldn�t have said anything to her, or would have just walked away, but I am not most people. I know that I was not the first person she was rude to, but I might have been the first person that got in her face and told her to shut the fuck up and kick my ass. That is how it all started, she wanted to kick my ass and when it came down to it; she didn�t know that I was willing to take the beating and that I was certainly going to give one right back.

Yea so anyway, so much for my Zen-like peacefulness and my daily mantra of inner peace and quietness.

I have on the other hand come up with a business idea and now I need to bounce it off a few people and see where that takes me. I won�t say anything yet just in case it falls through.

Well seeing as though it is 1:10 in the morning I suppose I will go to bed, or at least go watch some TV. before I fall asleep. Puppy will be up at 5 am ready to play with her mommy. I hope Kevin doesn�t take four overtime shifts this week. I don�t like being a single mother and I miss him when he isn�t home.

Happy August everyone!!!